Note: Usually our weekly posts are brief summaries (<5 min) sharing key thoughts/questions to get you thinking about science that works. On occasion, we’ll post more in depth pieces as part of our “How To” series. These “How To’s” will focus on important themes that require a deeper dive, like this week’s topic . . .
How to Cope with Loss.
Although we initially wrote this for parents sending off college-going students, this evidence-based guide can help you deal with all kinds of losses and goodbyes. Job transitions. Geographical moves. Separation from loved ones. There is something here for anyone facing change (welcome or not), and that means all of us.
If you know someone who is about to send their kid off to college or is experiencing loss, please share this post with them by clicking below.
💔How To Cope With Loss
As the nights begin to cool and the sun sets a little earlier each day, the bittersweetness of fall is in the air. Shifting seasons is a metaphor for life. Even before the leaves begin to change color in New England, as educators, we begin to mourn the loss of summer and all that it symbolizes--a time of rest and rejuvenation. Even temporary and positive transitions can be jarring. And because life is a series of beginnings and endings, hellos and goodbyes, it behooves us to learn how to navigate them well.
One such inflection point is just around the corner: sending our kids off to college.
A parent captured the mixed feelings of this rite of passage:
“Yesterday we dropped my sweet middle child off at college. He has a new home now and it’s a milestone in his life for sure. And in mine. It’s the day I have dreamed of and the day I have dreaded all wrapped up in one big good-bye hug. My heart is awash with great anticipation and greater emotion. It is a heavy feeling, a deep pressure in my chest, that is both joyful and painful and the only word to describe it is bittersweet.”
Another parent described the feeling as:
“The empty, what-do-I-do-now, hole in my soul.”
As our students are opening a new chapter, we are closing one. And no matter how thrilled we are for them, this transition can still feel earthshaking. For nearly two decades, our everyday activities, energy, resources, and identity have revolved around parenting these people. We literally taught them how to be humans. We fed them, dressed them. Helped them learn to play, work, make friends, and recover from set-backs. We poured our hearts into supporting and guiding them. Now, as our kids step onto campus and away from us, it can feel like that way of life, and the identity that came with it, is gone forever.
Worse yet, in those last waning moments, we struggle to express the things we’ve left unsaid, or want them to remember. We know that parents are grappling with how to send off their students well. In Part Two, we will focus on how to say goodbye.
But this week, let’s start with you. Step back and consider:
How are you you doing?
How are you feeling about saying goodbye? 🤔
Completely Terrible // Somewhat Terrible // Conflicted // Cautiously Optimistic // Excited
(Click on any feeling above to anonymously cast your vote - we’ll share results in a future newsletter. )
Researchers have identified three common coping strategies people use to deal with emotions associated with loss:
Detachment: adopting an unemotional, objective perspective of the situation. Literally detaching ourselves from the emotion of the loss.
Positive Reappraisal: re-framing the situation by focusing on the positive instead of the negative. Looking on the bright side.
Acceptance: acknowledging and even embracing all the emotions, positive and negative. Letting ourselves experience the good, bad, ugly.
It’s not hard to spot examples of all three styles in the people around us.
The detached parent who acts breezy, downplays anything negative, and avoids saying goodbye until the last minute.
The cheerleader parent who emphasizes how much fun their students will have, and constantly jokes about how much free time they now have to pursue hobbies as an empty-nester.
The parent who gets mired in their feelings and looks for every opportunity to vent to anyone willing to listen.
We all have our different coping styles, but is there a “best” one?
A recent study in Emotion sheds light on this question. Researchers explored which coping strategy worked best by asking participants (65-83 yo) to watch sad movie clips while trying each of the three strategies, one at a time. Their effects on emotional and physiological well-being were illuminating. And they provide insight for us as we cope with loss.
The Pros and Cons of Detachment
There’s a reason people often try detaching from negative emotions. It works. Participants who detached (versus using the other two strategies) reported the greatest drop in negative emotions. Detaching, compared to just watching the sad movie clips, also had a physiological impact: it reduced their heart rates and slowed their breathing.
However, there was a catch: detachment decreased both negative and positive emotions. We can’t pick and choose which emotions to numb, it’s an all or nothing game.
When To Detach
If you (or your student) are wracked by negative emotions, if you can’t sleep at night thinking about the college goodbye, or if you can only focus on the downsides of the college transition, detachment can be an effective strategy to take the edge off negative emotions. If you selected, “absolutely terrible” or “awful” in our above poll, this strategy may help you.
When Not To Detach
If your student is really anxious or sad about their college transition, your detachment does them no good. Detachment is associated with reduced compassion. Detachment can impair your ability to support your people when they are struggling with their own emotions.
How To Detach
Adopt a third-person perspective. Pretend you’re a fly on the wall watching yourself (and your family) get prepared for the college transition. What would that fly be seeing? What are those people feeling and experiencing? How are they dealing with the situation? What impact is it having on them?
The Pros and Cons of Positive Reappraisal
Positive reappraisal was the only strategy to increase positive emotions. It also decreased negative emotions, but not as much as detachment did. This strategy brightens our mood; it can increase feelings of calm and happiness.
When To Reappraise
If you aren’t overwhelmed by your student’s departure, positive reappraisal buffers negative emotions and increases positive emotions. Positive reappraisal is a good strategy if your students are excited about going off to college and you’re trying to match their level of excitement. If you’re conflicted, this may be a good strategy for you.
When Not To Reappraise
If you, or your people, are super upset about the college transition, positive reappraisal may backfire. One, it doesn’t reduce negative emotions as much as detachment does, and it reduces compassion. Also, if you aren’t able to truly can’t see an upside of the situation, this strategy may not help. Participants rated this strategy the least easy to implement of the three.
How To Reappraise
Imagine the college transition goes perfect for your student - what do you think would happen? What impact would this have on your student? How will college help them grow as a person? Also - what positive benefits will this transition have for you? What will you do with your newfound free time? Imagine everything goes well, how will that feel?
The Pros and Cons of Acceptance
Interesting enough, acceptance didn’t change emotions; negative emotions didn’t decrease and positive emotions didn’t increase. However, participants viewed this strategy as the easiest to implement and the one they were most motivated to try.
When To Accept
If you aren’t sure how you feel about the college transition. Accepting and embracing your emotions might be a good starting point. Get curious about your emotions as a way to understand how you are doing. Or if you aren’t sure any of these strategies will work, acceptance can be a good place to start.
When Not To Accept
If your negative emotions are overwhelming your relationships, or your ability to cope, acceptance won’t reduce those emotions. Detachment and positive reappraisal would be better strategies.
How To Accept
First, observe your emotional response. Ask yourself uncritically: how are you feeling about this? What specific emotions are you feeling? How are these emotions impacting your thoughts and behaviors? Explore your emotional response with a spirit of curiosity, rather than judgement.
Putting It All Together
If we asked you at college drop-off how you’re doing from 10 feet vs. 10,000 feet above, what would you say? Maybe something like this: “Small picture, I’m hating life today. Big picture, things are moving in the right direction.”
When we zoom in at 10 feet, we see close up what’s happening in the small picture—the events and stressors we’re facing at the moment. The mood we’re in, our thoughts, feelings, and actions.
From 10,000 feet, we can see the meaning and value of this moment.
Both the small and big picture can serve a purpose.
When we’re looking close up, all we can see is the thing in front of us—our stressors and our feelings about them. We can allow ourselves to feel the rawness of a moment. And learn not to be afraid of feeling what we feel. (This is acceptance in action.)
From a bird’s eye view, we can see the larger landscape and timeline of our lives. We see how this moment is just one link in the string of peaks and valleys, hellos and goodbyes, that make up our lives. (Detachment)
Together the small and big picture, help us recognize that our feelings are valid and survivable, and that our collective experiences (good and bad) often grow us and make our lives richer. (Positive Reappraisal)
In sum, here’s how all 3 strategies can help you navigate hellos and goodbyes:
Acceptance: Observe this moment from 10 feet up. What do you notice about this event? Your thoughts? Your feelings? Your overall mood? You can get curious and accept whatever you find there.
Detachment: Now go higher to 10,000 feet. What do you notice about the people below (yourself included)? What’s the Big Picture of what’s going on?
Positive Reappraisal: What greater purpose can this goodbye serve? What can you and your students learn (and even gain) from this moment?
Get Your Bearings
This post has been an exploration of how to cope with loss. It is by all means not a comprehensive guide. Coping is defined as dealing effectively with something difficult. It’s not about solving a situation, but learning how to navigate it. No matter how well we process and articulate our feelings, we still experience the pain and delight of watching our students grow into adults. We soon realize that their relationships with us remain important and continue to evolve in new and wonderful ways.
In Part 2 we will share resources on how to say goodbye to your kids. For now, consider again:
How are you doing?